Hmmmmm....still waiting

Well I am still pregnant.

I am still grouchy.

I am terribly tired of people asking/saying to me the following things:
1) Wow! Bet you are ready to have that baby eh?
2) 3 girls eh? Betcha hopin' for a boy?
3) Are you sure it's not twins?
4)You look tired. If you are tired now...just you wait.
5) 4 kids? Are you crazy. I would never do that.
6) Are you going for #5 if this is a girl?

My responses for those questions/ comments above.
* note that some have been said aloud, while others have been kept inside until one day I will just bubble up and foam at the mouth and let it loose :)

1) No actually, I would prefer to be pregnant for at least another few months, wait...why not make it another 9 months. That sounds delightful. I loooove carrying around this much extra weight, feeling very unattractive, having varicose veins not too mention the pure pleasure of peeing every 12.6 seconds.

2) Yah, we have 3 girls but why oh why do people assume that we need to have a boy. In reality another girl would be great as I have everything I could possible ever need as well as want for a girl. I know girls, we know girls. The fact that people assume that we are having a fourth to try for a boy (which for the record Abbey our first was the only child that was a planned pregnancy) irks me to no end. What really gets me is when they add that we have no idea what life is like with a boy. Your right...you win! Loser.

3) Now I know that probably every woman who has ever been pregnant has been asked this question. Why in God's name do people make stupid and ridiculous comments like this one. What gets me is when they ask you and then let out a small giggle after they have said it. Like they created the joke themselves, like no one has ever heard of such a thing being said to a pregnant woman. Shut up people. Just shut the fuck up.

4) Yes I am tired now. Besides not sleeping due to being large and uncomfortable let's add in a pukey kid, another with pneumonia and the other one with some viral thing. Oh wait one more...a husband who still likes to snuggle with me (bless his heart) but by Christ it is much too hot to be doing that thanks to hormones. So yah, I may look a little groggy or just down right tired. Forgive me. Oh what's that you say? I should wait cause I don't know what tired is yet? Here's a tidbit for you....Go blow it out your ass.

5) Yup 4 kids. You say you will never do that? Good, your kids are shitheads anyways.

6)No, no, no,no , no, no. Never. No, no.....NO!

So I just wanted to clarify that I am a little grumpy and jaded around the edges this week. I am doing my best I just cannot deal with stupid people any longer. If you are someone who has said these things recently to either me or some other poor pregnant woman, go and ram your head into a wall a few times. Thanks., we appreciate it.

Beanhead

Been a rough day.

I don't want to get into it that much other than to say that I believe Postpartum has arrived early for me. I spent a good chunk of the day trying to find online support as well as support meetings here in town. I feel horrible.
I need help, but I feel like I am being a nuisance to my family.
It is just as scary this time around as it was after having Ellie.

Hopefully I can find some help and support soon. Not feeling it too much around here.

Feeling to old to be this young.

I am 30 years old.
I have been married for almost 9 years.
Been with the same man for 13 years.
Had our first child when I was 22.
The second child at 24.
The third at 28.
The fourth child shall be born in a few weeks and I will still be 30.

I have suffered through Post Partum Depression twice so far.
Wondered if my husband and I were really meant for each other on more than one occasion.
My self esteem is lower with each passing year.
I fantasize too much about a former or future life as someone else.

I love my children.
I panic at the thought of me being one of their parents.
I feel like I am not responsible enough at times for this "job".
The very thought that I am a mother to 3 daughters (thus far) scares me.
I feel like a hypocrite when I teach them to be proud of themselves and show them how beautiful they are inside and out.
I am so ashamed of my body this pregnancy that I cannot sleep without pajama pants and a top with my husband for fear he will see me.
I wonder daily why my husband is with me when I am falling apart at the seams.
I am grateful everyday that my husband comes home to me and his family.

I wonder how long I will continue to feel this way about everything.
I know that only I can change me and these thoughts.
I am scared to find the power within myself for fear that it might not be there after all.

Beanhead

Shake, shake, shake it off

It has come to my attention that my body is quite tired. The baby has shifted somehow (not sure how, as there cannot be that much room left to shift) and my right leg now periodically goes numb from the ass down. Awesome. I had this with the last 2 girls as well, although much earlier, so I guess that makes this a bonus??

I went to Walmart yesterday with the oldest, Miss Abbey. We were on a mission to find that perfect birthday gift for her best friend, Ashley. Things started off good as Abbey had phoned her friend to get a detailed list of items she would like for her birthday. Abbey then wrote a list, stuffed it in her green plaid purse and we were off.

Once we arrived, I was pleasantly surprised at how dead Walmart was. I guess I am not the only one with no money eh?
First we checked out the girls clothing, then it was off to find some Tinkerbell wall stickies, then back over to where the movies and Cd's were, then maybe check out the toys, then maybe an alarm clock located in jewellery, or perhaps a DS game, maybe we should bring back the wall stickies, hmmmmm lets look at the Valentines stuff, Hey look CANDY!
As you can imagine, all of this walking was just what my body was wanting. It was during 2nd loop of our super centre walmart that my leg decided to die. It just. stopped. working. DEAD.

I would have given my right leg (literally) for one of those scooter deals, then Miss Abbey the world shopper, would have been able to drag me all over hell's half acre and I would have no given a damn. Sigh.
In the end, Miss Abbey decided on a Tinkerbell alarm clock (on clearance...Yay!!), a Fairies bookmark and a Valentines day stuffy bear in a big ol mug (that would be great if filled up with Rye and Ginger for me...no??)
Even though I lost a leg yesterday, I am proud to say that Miss Abbey the world shopper is a very thrifty shopper. The kid loves to find a good deal, she wants that bang for her buck. Whoohoo!

I came home after, did laundry, dishes etc. Then it hit me. I am tired. Time for this baby to get out. Please.

Today, I plan on making a batch of cinnamon buns and washing the car seat, bouncy chair and that would be about it. I will be having a nap when Maggie the menace does as well. Time to slow it down a bit, cause I kinda like having the use of both legs.

Beanhead

Scared of myself.

Today is a tricky one.
Hormones are getting the better of me.
I wish I could run away from myself.
I need a break.
I can't stop crying.
Panic attacks are taking over.
I wish I had some help.
I feel very lonely lately.

Please God make these feelings stop soon.
Please.

Things that go bump in the night.

My belly that is. This baby is running out of room and I plan on evicting it as soon as possible. I can feel the stretches and pulls and jabs all night long. Things must be getting quite tight in there I imagine.
With that being said I am also trying my hardest to enjoy it. Knowing that this is my last time I will feel a baby poking and jabbing their way around my swollen belly. My favorite part of course is when it seems to find a comfy spot, the baby seems to almost shudder with delight (as do I) and then softly the hiccups start. How wonderful that must be to fall asleep in absolute comfort. The temperature perfect, soft comfy spots to snuggle up to and then blissfully fall asleep to the rhythm of your own hiccups. Granted, this baby is doing all of that while having it's poor little head in engaged in my poor little hoo-haa. I guess it cannot be all good times after all for the baby.

I had a prenatal on Tuesday. Baby seems great. Lots of movement, good heart rate. However, the Dr. did ask me how I manage to walk as this baby's head is so freakin' low. As if she had to tell ME that. I am well aware of how low this head is.
Due to that fact she would like me to come in for weekly visits now. So I guess that is when it hit me that hey....we are in the home stretch now.
So what does every woman do when that happens?? We clean and purge and clean some more and then ask our husbands to move light fixtures in the ceiling to different locations in the ceiling, all the while ignoring their evil looks that they are darting at you.
Okay so Kevin has not actually moved any light fixtures YET, however I have been a machine when it comes to cleaning and organizing.
I am not sure when a woman actually feels like she is ready to actually go and give birth. I don't think we ever are. There is always something that could still be done or bought or thrown out.
Oh well, I get a bit more done every day. At least it keeps my mind off of how I still have 4 weeks to go.

One of the things that we have almost completed is names. A boys name is done, for sure (even though my gut says that this is another girl). As for a girls name, well we have the first name. We have a few ideas for a middle name but none that we are super set on.

I am hoping that post partum depression will lay off this time around. I'm nervous about that. I know that I have a wonderful family Dr, as well as friends but there is something about that nagging voice inside that just won't let you go without a battle. After I had Ellie, I was terrified. My thoughts consisted of harming myself and suicide. I had enough common sense to know that I could not and would not do it for the sake of my daughters. The vices however were unrelentless. The difference now is that I am not afraid to seek help. After Ellie though, I was scared to mention anything to anyone for I thought I was going crazy for sure. I was sure that if I mentioned it to anyone, they would take my kids away from me. Thoughts of having your kids taken away places a fear of no other kind in you.
Of course Kevin could see that something was just not right. I would not leave my house for fear that that is when the "voices" would win and I would be unable to control what I did to myself.
Once I confessed all of this to Kevin I went and saw our family Dr. I was so afraid of telling him that I made him swear/promise etc. that he would not have my children taken away from me. Once I told him what was going on we worked put a plan for some meds, as well as 3x weekly sessions of therapy.

That was the beginning of a battle that ended well. I won that one.
After Ellie I had 3 miscarriages. Each one of those was also a hurdle. The emotions and hormones are insane. With that being said, I managed and I won.

After Maggie, there were a few dark spots. I can recall times of sobbing and throwing objects in my room. I almost feel like a demon takes me and I become possessed by dark thoughts and moods. I went on meds after Maggie as well. I have a hard time determining what is a just a bad day and what is a really bad day when I have PPD. I know that my kids have witnessed me falling apart at the seams on some occasions and I beat myself up for it alot. However I also try to keep in mind that I have won these major battles and that they still have me, their mother here with them.

I still suffer from depression, though not as bad as it once was.

When I think about what is to come again after this baby is born, I feel exhausted. That battle is such a huge one that I have to fight. Months of feeling those dark feelings and dark moments are enough to scare the crap outta me. However, I will fight the fight cause my daughters deserve the good mother that I know I am capable of being.


Beanhead

So close to being a mother of 4 children.

I am scared. I am scared every time I have another child. It is not the child itself that I am scared of, rather my parenting skills that worry me.
It is days like today that have me concerned. I wake up and the first thing I think about is how I am possibly not giving my kids everything they need. Am I making life as exciting as I can for them every day. Teaching them something new and valuable everyday? I don't think I am.

This is not a post about me beating myself up over my parenting skills, I know that I am a good mom. My kids know that I love them to bits and always will.
However I just feel a little frightened that maybe I am not doing the best that I can do.

I will be the first to admit that I am super overwhelmed with the thought of having 4 children. Gosh it honestly seems like last week that we just had the 2 big girls. Life was pretty easy with just the 2. I feel like I am forever spending every moment chasing Maggie and that sucks up a lot of my time and energy from the big girls.

Maggie is a MAJOR handful. I am terrified of what will happen to our little Maggie once this new baby arrives. She is going to be more demanding than ever and require more attention I realize. I just feel like the 2 big girls are getting the crap end of the stick.

I know that things will work out. I do. However it is the anxiety that leads up the that moment where you are able to exhale and say...."ahhh life is going good".

I guess just trying to figure out how to make everyone happy and content is what my main goal is. I will have a almost 8 year age gap between my oldest and the newborn once he/she arrives.
I am just scared of screwing them up I guess :) Having one of them in therapy saying that their mother did not give them enough attention. LOL.

Beanhead